well I am almost in my second week of my programming class. Just like last week I am coming right on the deadline and turning in my assignment at the last minute. But I still feel comfortable with the work so far.
But what is bugging me is depression or sadness or something. I feel it creeping up at me at odd times, like when I am trying to work or inbetween projects. I have four main projects that I switch from. One is writing my book. Another is making graphics with Blender and Gimp for my game. I have not been publishing the game graphics I have made, because I am saving them for my game. The third is personal research that I am doing. And the fourth is the programming for the game.
So between all those I am kept plenty busy. And of course there is my family that I take care of, and the house that I hopefully keep decently clean as well. When my son starts school, I will be also balancing a job as well most likely.
But anyway, when I feel an emotion or something out of the ordinary for me, I want to understand where it has come from. I don’t just say, oh I am feeling suddenly this way and just completely ignore the possible reasons. So I am like a sleuth in my life, trying to figure out what is happening with me. I am like my own full time therapist/psychologist in tow. So it has been disconcerting to me that these feelings have been coming along, and it has also been harder to start things because of it. Well I never said I was a good emotion sleuth. It’s not like I actually know the answers. Just that I try.
Another thing that happened to me the other day, was that someone helped me break out of a very strong pattern of shyness by just letting me talk to them. And I found, as I generally do when this happens, the mortifying realization that I can’t seem to get myself to shut up once I do start talking. So I want to envision myself as some smooth talking person who can have a nice easy conversation that goes both ways, but instead I either say nothing hardly at all. Or even worse, my mouth becomes like a busy highway of never ending banal chatter.
Much like I am doing now… I am afraid. But I also think it is good for me too. It is good to do things to change the ingrained patterns, even though I am embarrassed by it.
Anyway this is more of a Dear Diary entry. But because I have had so much trouble posting anything for so long, I just have to put something down for now.
So What mood are you in today? And/Or What sort of talker are you in a conversation?