Carving the Art Stone or Fall ah Lot A Laa la Lot

Sometimes I feel like I am drifting.  That is really the best way to put it now.  I don’t know where I am going and I feel like life itself is drifting me off.  I am constantly having to tug have some sort of semblance of reality, and not melt into a pile of goo.  At least that’s how my mornings have been piling up this week.

I have been taking a programming class to start to learn how to program a 2d game.  I also have started to learn to make 2d art.  Even though 3d art is my love.  I have stopped what I think of before as sort of a frantic reading, and now read on occasion, but only things I am deeply interested in.

EmmanuelAuger3

I feel like in a sense, it is like a trimming back.  I guess I am doing everything opposite of being someone who will one day make money at doing what they like.  I feel that has always been something that has been a rough spot for me.  Making money.  I almost want to say I detest those two words, and all the pressure behind them.  All of that.  I have always felt cheated in life by those words.  Even back in school before anyone has a job, everyone knows why they are going to school.  Which is why school is so miserable and boring.  Learning takes a back seat, creativity, joy, friendship, and all things interesting and neat.  Yes I am yet again another one of the great mass hordes of people who hated school, did not delight in the the great effort to have a sustained flow of information pour in their head.

I guess when it comes down to it, I wanted to choose.  That goes for school, and after.  And I feel like that choice is taken from all of us.  And I love art.  I truly do.  But I feel like it sort of becomes like any other thing out there, when the clock is punched and it comes down to it.

I have always been the idealistic person, always thinking that something better could have been what our reality is.  I still do.  Deep down I don’t think life should be such a struggle, and I want to maintain my joy in the things I do.

I guess I will have to get a typical job soon, and I will continue to have art as my hobby.  It always will be.  But I am not going to expect something more to come out of it.  I am not going to force something.  I guess I hope someday it will happen.  But with all the people and a world of people striving, I don’t think there is room for anything but perfection or near perfection.  And to me, that means that a majority of people will never make it.  I don’t want to fight and compete to be at the top, because some part of me fundamentally hates competition.  I feel a deep sense of pointlessness to try to attack a stranger so that I can win.  Because that means that stranger will lose.  And so in a sense, this world is like a losing game to me.  The most I can do is not be unhappy, or try not to be.  And so I guess I am unwilling to let my competitive nature ‘to succeed’ and win, make me not love art and creating.

I feel for others, it is easier, I think.  And that is okay.  I accept that.

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2 thoughts on “Carving the Art Stone or Fall ah Lot A Laa la Lot

  1. It’s been a long time since I’ve read something that resonates so much with me. It’s like I could have written this myself. The only thing I can add or change is that I don’t think the point is achieving perfection, but instead to find your own style and language and just keep getting better at it. I too don’t have the whole “making money” figured out, but I know the answer is out there and probably not in such a hard to read spot. Cheers and good luck!

    • Thanks very much for your comment. You’re probably right. It’s not all about perfection. It seems like I have a tendency of thinking in that extreme context of either pass or fail, but I know it really is not defined like that.
      Heh good luck in your pursuits. 🙂

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