Sometimes I feel like I am drifting. That is really the best way to put it now. I don’t know where I am going and I feel like life itself is drifting me off. I am constantly having to tug have some sort of semblance of reality, and not melt into a pile of goo. At least that’s how my mornings have been piling up this week.
I have been taking a programming class to start to learn how to program a 2d game. I also have started to learn to make 2d art. Even though 3d art is my love. I have stopped what I think of before as sort of a frantic reading, and now read on occasion, but only things I am deeply interested in.
I feel like in a sense, it is like a trimming back. I guess I am doing everything opposite of being someone who will one day make money at doing what they like. I feel that has always been something that has been a rough spot for me. Making money. I almost want to say I detest those two words, and all the pressure behind them. All of that. I have always felt cheated in life by those words. Even back in school before anyone has a job, everyone knows why they are going to school. Which is why school is so miserable and boring. Learning takes a back seat, creativity, joy, friendship, and all things interesting and neat. Yes I am yet again another one of the great mass hordes of people who hated school, did not delight in the the great effort to have a sustained flow of information pour in their head.
I guess when it comes down to it, I wanted to choose. That goes for school, and after. And I feel like that choice is taken from all of us. And I love art. I truly do. But I feel like it sort of becomes like any other thing out there, when the clock is punched and it comes down to it.
I have always been the idealistic person, always thinking that something better could have been what our reality is. I still do. Deep down I don’t think life should be such a struggle, and I want to maintain my joy in the things I do.
I guess I will have to get a typical job soon, and I will continue to have art as my hobby. It always will be. But I am not going to expect something more to come out of it. I am not going to force something. I guess I hope someday it will happen. But with all the people and a world of people striving, I don’t think there is room for anything but perfection or near perfection. And to me, that means that a majority of people will never make it. I don’t want to fight and compete to be at the top, because some part of me fundamentally hates competition. I feel a deep sense of pointlessness to try to attack a stranger so that I can win. Because that means that stranger will lose. And so in a sense, this world is like a losing game to me. The most I can do is not be unhappy, or try not to be. And so I guess I am unwilling to let my competitive nature ‘to succeed’ and win, make me not love art and creating.
I feel for others, it is easier, I think. And that is okay. I accept that.