Writing Time Folks… Let’s talk about Fears.

Sometimes I find it hard to write…anything.  I think that is interesting.  How I have gone through different phases of writing to not writing.  In my book that I had been working on, I have not been writing for it for a while.  I think I mentioned this, but some of what I am working writing in it, is hard emotionally for me to go into.  To have a writing day on the material I am covering, I have to be extremely with it.  And if I am, I think I have a fairly decent writing time.
I am not of the opinion that someone who writes has to write every single day, or that anything in general has to happen.  Hard and fast rules like this are deeply limiting.  I think what it comes down to, is what is the goal of writing such and such?  For me, it is not about publishing.  I think maybe it was at one point.  But I realized how personal this is for me, and this book I am writing is for me, and I write therefore, under my own terms.  It is not to sell books.  So it is for my growth more or less and nothing else.

It is interesting to me that I don’t know what to write about, because I think that it is something I should know.  I mean it isn’t that hard to come up with a thought or an opinion about Something.  Then again I find myself wanting to steer away from many different ideas because in some way I can usually find a way that a certain opinion is wrong.  And I don’t want to commit myself to an opinion and go on believing something that turns out to be wrong.

So then I often don’t write anything.  Or I haven’t for a long time.  Actually putting something in this blog has been incredibly hard for a long time.  Which is why I wasn’t writing.  I would start to, or even just think about it and would then feel extremely off put by the idea and then just do something else and not think about it.  It is only after recently having these feelings of feeling sort of isolated in my own world, that I realized that I want to reach out a little more, and to challenge my own limited behaviors a little.

But I was just thinking about how ridiculous it all is.  And also that I want to connect to other people.  Honestly at this point, that is what I want to do.  Is meet other people who I might have something to talk about with.  Or at least not feel I am completely alone in the world.

Sometimes I find I feel that way.  And then I feel too ashamed to admit it.  I hide.  I guess that is the other reason why I might be writing, because I want to face all the limiting things I have put on myself when it comes to communication.  I guess I’ll just have to see if it works, or if I just end up worse then before.  Heh.

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Interactive Time:  Is there some things that are difficult to talk about and write about with others?  And do you dare bring it up here?

Me Babbling About Stuff.. Blah Blah Blah

well I am almost in my second week of my programming class. Just like last week I am coming right on the deadline and turning in my assignment at the last minute. But I still feel comfortable with the work so far.

But what is bugging me is depression or sadness or something. I feel it creeping up at me at odd times, like when I am trying to work or inbetween projects. I have four main projects that I switch from. One is writing my book. Another is making graphics with Blender and Gimp for my game. I have not been publishing the game graphics I have made, because I am saving them for my game. The third is personal research that I am doing. And the fourth is the programming for the game.

So between all those I am kept plenty busy. And of course there is my family that I take care of, and the house that I hopefully keep decently clean as well. When my son starts school, I will be also balancing a job as well most likely.

But anyway, when I feel an emotion or something out of the ordinary for me, I want to understand where it has come from. I don’t just say, oh I am feeling suddenly this way and just completely ignore the possible reasons. So I am like a sleuth in my life, trying to figure out what is happening with me. I am like my own full time therapist/psychologist in tow. So it has been disconcerting to me that these feelings have been coming along, and it has also been harder to start things because of it. Well I never said I was a good emotion sleuth. It’s not like I actually know the answers. Just that I try.

Another thing that happened to me the other day, was that someone helped me break out of a very strong pattern of shyness by just letting me talk to them. And I found, as I generally do when this happens, the mortifying realization that I can’t seem to get myself to shut up once I do start talking. So I want to envision myself as some smooth talking person who can have a nice easy conversation that goes both ways, but instead I either say nothing hardly at all. Or even worse, my mouth becomes like a busy highway of never ending banal chatter.

Much like I am doing now… I am afraid. But I also think it is good for me too. It is good to do things to change the ingrained patterns, even though I am embarrassed by it.

Anyway this is more of a Dear Diary entry. But because I have had so much trouble posting anything for so long, I just have to put something down for now.

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So What mood are you in today?  And/Or  What sort of talker are you in a conversation?

Strive for…Normal

OKay EVERYONE BE NORMAL!  Don’t Be Unique, yourselves, or even think of what that may be like…  Just look at what everyone else is doing and in general telling you what you should be.  That is better.

Oh wait.. You don’t know what normal even is?!?!?  Why didn’t you say so.. ::Goes to the shelf and pulls off the biggest dictionary the world has ever seen and flips to the ten pages on the word normal.  Reads until the sun changes color and everyone ages at least a year…  And that is what normal is, and what we all must strive for.  I hope you all took notes, there WILL be a Quiz.  And it WILL be Hard.

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Carving the Art Stone or Fall ah Lot A Laa la Lot

Sometimes I feel like I am drifting.  That is really the best way to put it now.  I don’t know where I am going and I feel like life itself is drifting me off.  I am constantly having to tug have some sort of semblance of reality, and not melt into a pile of goo.  At least that’s how my mornings have been piling up this week.

I have been taking a programming class to start to learn how to program a 2d game.  I also have started to learn to make 2d art.  Even though 3d art is my love.  I have stopped what I think of before as sort of a frantic reading, and now read on occasion, but only things I am deeply interested in.

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I feel like in a sense, it is like a trimming back.  I guess I am doing everything opposite of being someone who will one day make money at doing what they like.  I feel that has always been something that has been a rough spot for me.  Making money.  I almost want to say I detest those two words, and all the pressure behind them.  All of that.  I have always felt cheated in life by those words.  Even back in school before anyone has a job, everyone knows why they are going to school.  Which is why school is so miserable and boring.  Learning takes a back seat, creativity, joy, friendship, and all things interesting and neat.  Yes I am yet again another one of the great mass hordes of people who hated school, did not delight in the the great effort to have a sustained flow of information pour in their head.

I guess when it comes down to it, I wanted to choose.  That goes for school, and after.  And I feel like that choice is taken from all of us.  And I love art.  I truly do.  But I feel like it sort of becomes like any other thing out there, when the clock is punched and it comes down to it.

I have always been the idealistic person, always thinking that something better could have been what our reality is.  I still do.  Deep down I don’t think life should be such a struggle, and I want to maintain my joy in the things I do.

I guess I will have to get a typical job soon, and I will continue to have art as my hobby.  It always will be.  But I am not going to expect something more to come out of it.  I am not going to force something.  I guess I hope someday it will happen.  But with all the people and a world of people striving, I don’t think there is room for anything but perfection or near perfection.  And to me, that means that a majority of people will never make it.  I don’t want to fight and compete to be at the top, because some part of me fundamentally hates competition.  I feel a deep sense of pointlessness to try to attack a stranger so that I can win.  Because that means that stranger will lose.  And so in a sense, this world is like a losing game to me.  The most I can do is not be unhappy, or try not to be.  And so I guess I am unwilling to let my competitive nature ‘to succeed’ and win, make me not love art and creating.

I feel for others, it is easier, I think.  And that is okay.  I accept that.