free write. write for 20 minutes. no direction just write. I have no direction, aimless as a bird. I am flying freely write right? which way ? I am here. got to form the words, they have to be functional. unlock the key, the key unlocks the view, the view unlocks the sea. I see you. You see me. We fly high in broad view of the broad place, our dreams get lost here. lost and never going to return. file rejected, file delete, there is no file here.
the server is closing down. the sand is darkening as the sun makes its run over the sky again. And ancients prayed for the sun and they prayed for the moon. I want to know. did they know something I don’t?
rinse and repeat. The lights are blinking. my stomachs rumbling. the drivers are driving. the writers writing, the birds cawing. the cat’s scratching, the dogs barking.
fingernails on my fingers touching my fingers, touching the keys of the key board. the nails touch the keys and the fingers, connected to you and to me. I have so much time left on my timer. so much time left to try and drain my mind out onto this page. But I can’t. I feel hungry and I want to stop. I have written enough, embarrassed myself enough. I don’t want anyone to see me and yet I write to expose myself.
Expose myself to whom? Who will see? No one saw me then. I must of been naked on the stage in high school, embarrassed and vulnerable, wanting to run away and yet no one saw it. They only saw their own insecurities. And yet and yet and yet.
Exposure. Nakedness. Eyes, their eyes process it, judge it, and I figit under their eyes. I wriggle helplessly. Waiting for it to end.
Can I go home? Can I go home? Can I go home? No not yet. No not yet. No not yet.
He saw me, he took off my clothes and looked at me. He should not have done that. I knew I should not be there. Yet I could not leave. I could not be alone. It was embarrasing to be alone, everyone would know I was not wanted or chosen by anyone. I had to stay, to be there for this.
I don’t want to talk about that anymore. Frozen. Frozen at the keyboard and frozen in time. Not sure anymore. Please stop.
My arm aches faintly. I want to eat meat. It is more filling than anything. I miss being vegetarian. I miss knowing I was not harming, not killing. When I chew the hamburger I can taste blood in my mouth, tearing at muscle, there is someone who screamed for this meal. And yet I can’t stop. I tried. I get too hungry.
20 minutes of writing is a lot. My mind is rebelling it won’t free think anymore. It is disgusted with me for telling too much and wants to shut off and look out at the curtains.
And in these words I can feel undercurrent, electricity, emotional ups and downs. I don’t want to admit to that. I don’t see that. I am fine. It doesn’t matter what you think of me, what my mother thinks of me, what my friends think of me, what my children think of me. Maybe it does. Maybe every person’s thoughts matter so much. Every person’s thoughts are precious. They mean something. I don’t know what but people are all thinking and doing different things. Playing different parts. It has to mean something. My husband would say no, nothing means nothing. Everything is what it is. Stop analyzing. It is what it is.
I don’t like this. I like to eat eggs. I like to salt them and crumble them up to a bright yellow scramble. And we buy the cage free kind. I say feeling defensive. There is no way to be perfect. I must give up perfection. I can not live and yet not hurt others. I am an omnivore. Because of that being born others will die.
I cannot stop the past. It has happened I made so many mistakes. But I can’t stop it. It will run over and over. I can try to find release from it. But if I do how do I know it is a sincere release or maybe I am just blanking myself out from it. I am tied to the past and I cannot escape. I am tied to others and I cannot escape them or their opinions. I must just face them. Even if I don’t like it and even if it hurts. That is honesty. What do I have at this point? I don’t know, but my timer is finally done.